I cried last Tuesday. While Chard and I were on our way home riding our motorbike, I shared my thoughts and suddenly found myself crying. It's about petty things which are quite embarassing actually. Psalm is only an incoming 5-month old cutie but here I am being frantic of what will happen 20 years from now. I grieve (OA term, hehe) that my baby will one day find his way to leave me and Richard alone for an independent life, or worst (OA again) for a wife.
I know I sound ridiculous. While I read blogs of moms relating how they'll miss their kids when they go back to work after maternity leave, or start preschool, or go to college even, I am jumping super fast forward to who knows how many decades from now worrying about separation.
I have a plan-- Start a good and marketable business. Have your child run it for you (or put it under his name and make him the future owner) and he'll be stucked with you for the rest of your lives.
Good idea, right? Lolz. We'll be starting a business for sure but we won't use that as a bait for Psalm to stay with us. It sure will be a bonus if he will but we pray Psalm will pursue and accomplish what God has in store for him. That's the priority that will never change.
One of my reasons why we choose to stay in this crazy part of the Metro (Mandaluyong) is that I want to be near Psalm (and /or my future other kids) when they start working. Haha, it's that far thinking I had become when I became a mom. I know now that it's hard for parents to be on one side of the city with their child renting another place near work. Our setup is the reverse-Psalm is the one staying at my parent's place while we-the parents are the ones renting. Talk about my sister who is also out of the place now due to work. Back then when I was just "the daughter" and still single, I lavish the idea of being independent, carefree and doing things on my own. But I never got that chance to be away from my mom (dad is out of the country so the parent then with me is Mama). My sister is more adventurous than me, a go-getter, she'd say from us two she's the rebel (a good rebel at that) that's why when she had the chance to go she did go. And I'm proud of her for taking that step forward!
I told Richard my parents did not see this coming. Well, I do now know I'll face this scene too and it's because of my parents. I know mom cried the day I got married. You see the day before my wedding was the day my parents found out Chard and I are living out ASAP. ASAP means it's that same day Richard moved in to a new place we planned on staying. They know we're not going to live with them but we didn't tell them when, not our intention though to make them feel bad but it just happened. We were so keen on the "leaving and cleaving" element of marriage but I forgot I need to let them know the timeline so we'll not hurt them deep. It was so fast and caught even us by surprise. I know it's bad. You should ask Chard how I cried myself so hard that wedding night (with matching nginig pa habang nagsasalita). We didn't have a romantic night on our first 'coz I just cried buckets of tears, haha. (lolz, it's really embarassing but we just laugh it out now everytime we remember that night).
I don't think now that these are petty. Motherhood sure does change a person's thinking. I don't know but it'll sure hurt as much when that time comes no matter what preparations I do. (I wan't to cry again, hihi)
20+ years to go. I still have lots of years to be with my baby. While Psalm is busy growing up I should apparently select to first miss the petty separations we're gonna walk by. Like sleepless nights or potty training. I'll even pray hard as early as now for the future wife to be the best for my little boy.
hayys...naman still so forward...:)
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